Sunday, 9 April 2017

Reminding myself to let go

This is a post to myself.

I know you're a difficult person to please. You've expectations of everything. You take many things seriously. And, you play again and again in your head, what people said of you and to you.

You wish to stop these thoughts from coming. But you can't.

Those childhood memories keep flooding to you in your dreams. You dreamt about being looked down upon. You dreamt that you could hear what they were gossiping about, and it was all about you. You wondered how could they bear to say or joke about a kid. You were only a kid, you were only a teenager. What is there to compare about? You got frustrated. Why didn't your parents say anything? How could they allow people to say that you're stupid? How could they not shut them up? Thoughts like these still lingers and you cried.

You also dreamt about the lack of parental love. You dreamt that your parents are biased against you. You remembered your mom coming out from the shower and spanked you because you were noisy but in fact, it was your brothers who were quarrelling. You can't remember if this was a fact or a make-believe. You remembered minor details like how your parents didn't care about your 21st, but when it was your brother's turn, they kept asking if he wanted one. You remembered being scolded for not showering when you spent the whole day at home, but wished to shower at the point when your brother came home. Your brother was the priority, not you. The same thing reversed. Your brother spent the whole day at home, and when you came home wanting to shower, he wanted to too. But he had the priority. You felt mad. You just couldn't balance this out. You have this thought that you have lesser love from your parents. Dad dotes on the youngest, mom dotes on the second. You, being the eldest, are not particularly close to any. Sometimes you wish to share many things with your mom. But she doesn't pay attention. You get frustrated. 

You joke to your partner that, thank god, you had him. He dotes on you. But there are times when you feel angered by his lack of EQ. He has said mean things to you, but he felt it was a joke. You didn't find it funny. Just this morning, you recalled what he said in front of his friends and you felt offended. You teared and wondered if you could stand these. 

You are extremely conscious of yourself. You worry how people judge you. You feel happy when you are looked up upon. You feel more confident at work because your bosses think you're good. But, your confidence drops when you knew of a particular big boss slight disinterest in you. You could feel that she didn't really like you and you hate working with her and for her. In front of her, you were quiet. You have no interest sucking up to her, or to impress her more. You just wanted the time with her to end and leave. 

You are highly sensitive to what's happening around you. This is your strength, but it could turn into a black hole for you. In school, you could sense when your "friends" talk about you. Their slight twitch or expressions from their eyes say it all. You remembered distancing yourself away from them. If they didn't like me, so be it. But, it got worst. Once you distanced yourself away, they were more daring in showing their dislike. You hated secondary school, because you experienced for yourself how it felt to be ostracised, by your "friends" in your CCA.

You sometimes wondered why didn't you have the luck? The luck to meet nice and good people in schools. You lament to yourself that you do not have any friends. Your partner joked about this insecurity of yours and harped on how you do not have friends. How are you going to have bridesmaid to help you with wedding stuffs? He even whatsapped his friends that you do not have many people to invite because you have no friends. You felt extremely hurt. It is true but you didn't need him to say such inconsiderate stuff. Not to others. Throughout your schooling years, you met people who you felt are not genuine. You are highly selective when it comes to getting people into your social circle. You could tell very easily if people genuinely wants to make friends with you or not. You figured if people are keen to be friends with you, they'd make an effort. So you only extend your effort to those who showed they cared.

You only have 2 friends in school whom you think you can rely on. One in secondary school, and another in uni. These 2 are the people whom you can just message to talk to. You also met one at work, but she get along well with almost everyone. If you really wanted people to be your bridesmaid, these 3 are whom you can think of. But you also worry about making them stress and tired over your event, so you felt like abolishing all these things.

You think a lot. And you worry a lot about the things you can't control.

How you wish you could be like Elsa.