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Anxiety, self doubts and counselling sessions

 2 weeks into 2024.

Crazy.

Crazy that time flies, and how the first two weeks of this year were marred with negative news - earthquake in Japan, plane crash, tuberculosis cluster, layoffs...

On a personal front, negativity hits again. First week of the year set out ok, I was hyping myself up - new year, new thoughts - good thoughts only.

The second week got me back to old thinking. Anxiety and self doubts are creeping in again. I previously mentioned in my end 2023 review post that company is undergoing restructuring and my job security is unknown.

Closing in to my mid 30s (to think I started this blog in my mid 20s) is scary. I didn't feel like I've grown. As much as my networth increased from $200k in 2016 to $819k in 2023, I surely didn't feel that I've grown better.

As I age, I feel more depressed. I don't know what I am living for. 

For now, work is a key part of my life. And work thoughts consumed most of my time. The current outlook in my company, competition with peers, make me feel lousy. I couldn't sleep well because I kept thinking of the little things that happened at work - how I was perceived, did I show that I'm good enough to be safe from layoff, how I am deemed old and senior already and need to prove my worth and my compensation more etc. There are work politics that makes me feel uneasy.

Age is now my issue. I worry that I can't find another job that pays. I moved out of a managerial role and took on this IC role - I like it because I don't enjoy managing upwards - but I don't know if I can find another IC role that pays. I'm not in a niche job. I know I am getting expensive, and I'm just in my early 30s. 

I tried to stop my thoughts, but new thoughts crop up and by the time I fall into sleep, the alarm rang.

In a bid to save myself, I signed up for counselling. There will be 6 sessions. I just attended session 1 where I shared my fragmented thoughts. There were many pieces bothering me - work, my stagnant life stage, meaning of life etc.

Session 2 starts with therapy. I will be asked what's important in my life - I really don't know. It's going to be the cliche few - parents good health, financial stability, me and my husband good health. Is that all to uncovering the meaning of my life?

I can only wait to see how the subsequent sessions pan out.

How did your first two weeks of 2024 went?

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