My job is not my identity

31 January 2026. End of 1st month in 2026.

I'm proud of myself for trying - trying to fill my life with more new activities.  

I felt I've been cruising along, and "wasting" my time for years since covid. Events in my life has made me weak. I lost hp, but took potions along the way to grow it back, and I accumulated more xp and levelled up. 

I am now learning to add more sparkles into my calendar. 

In this month, I went for health screening, went for makeup class (which was more of a product pushing/mlm sales pitch), started seeing a woman's health physiotherapist to improve my body, attended workshop on investing, went for a community tour, went for a church tour, and now - hoping to learn crocheting.

All in attempt to be less idle, learn something new, and tell myself - my job is not my identity.

Internalising this idea is still a work in progress. I guess because I've not much going on in life (which I remain thankful that things have been smooth for me), I focused my attention on work.

And my job, consumed my life. Majority of my frustrations, anxiety, panic attacks come from work.

This post was sparked after seeing a TikTok video which I related well.

@elissalynn_ Link top page for ways I can help #worklifebalance #highperformers #emotionalattachment #burnoutrecovery ♬ original sound - High Performer Coach

I took many things personally at work. I replayed all the nuances happening at work. If something went slightly wrong, I felt very attacked. Naturally, that resulted in lethargy and lack of sleep at night.

I've been waking up multiple times this month in the middle of the night. Sometimes 3am, sometimes 4am. I would sit on my couch, scroll through TikTok for 1 hour, before resuming sleep. And I'd wonder if I should wake up soon as it's time to head to work.

I had to put up a front at work. Exteriorly, I may look calm. I may look like I can't be bothered about the politics. But it was sucking my energy. Nobody can be trusted at work - my colleagues whom I thought could be relied on, were sabotaging me. 

I know I was seeking validation at work. I know it's not just at work - I constantly seek validation. It's just that bulk of my time was spent at work, and it had the biggest exposure in my life. I wanted to be appreciated, praised, rewarded. I know it stemmed from childhood trauma - never being good, always being looked down on, sidelined, invisible - and many times, I really wished I could blast my parents for their lack of protection. I also narrated in my head of cutting ties with them. Yet, the angels in me would cut to scenes where my parents share love to me, in their non-verbal ways.  

The last sentence in this TikTok resonated with me - fill your life with other things that fill you up.

I'm trying.