Who am I?

I am sitting in my husband's childhood home, feeling emotional. 

In the backdrop, I am playing a healing meditation bgm to make me feel more calm. I've been playing such singing bowl music to soothe my nerves and my anxiety.

Sometimes, my anxiety comes out of nowhere. Often, it is triggered by my overactive brain and oversensitive heart. 

My logical brain tells me - I've mostly what I need. A good income, a loving husband, a supportive family (both mine and in-laws) - everything is pacing out well; except a child which I've come to terms with.

My emotional wiring stirs up shit. It could be comments made by colleagues, looking down on me/my role, comments from boss showing favouritism and lack of appreciation for my work, comments from other colleagues who gave negative comments about my output. I don't like to be looked down. I hate these little comments floating past my brain, made from little people who I know are not an integral part of my life. I know, but I still fret over it.

I sought help - from counsellors and coach through company's platform, to self-help books online, to motivational youtube videos. Each material tells me what I know - love yourself, trust yourself, you are your own greatest gift, you can do it, you have what it takes to overcome everything. I already know. I am trying to practice self-love. But how do I live it day and out?

My self-love is practical. Buying and eating food I like. Going for massages and facial. Buying clothes I like. Though all these purchase must generally be on discount. I derive satisfaction knowing I pay with either discounts or receive benefits (cashback or miles). 

But are there other aspects to practice self-love that I've not explored?

I want to wake up everyday believing in myself. That I prioritise myself first. I want the negative emotions to get out. I tried meditation and reiki, and I feel pins and needles on my arms and chest, radiating bigger and bigger as I breathe in and out.

I think I figured my emotions are suppressed. It probably accumulated in me - the pain, hardships, unfairness, all kept and bottled inside. Sometimes I couldn't cry - I teared a little and moved on. But I want to let it out.

Actually, who am I? What do I want? What is/are my dreams? As I close my eyes to reflect, I only feel tears and bottled up energy in my chest. My mind is blank. I know who I dont want to be - I dont want to be a corporate slave, after all, I hate many people I interacted with - I hate their lack of respect to me. I dont want hardship - I know I am blessed. I may not come from a rich family background, but being born in Singapore is already a lottery. I barely had much hardship, physically. Most of my hardship comes from emotional turmoils - my IVF, retrenchment, overly sensitive personality. 

When I think about my dreams when I was young, I had ideas of becoming a teacher, a young mother, a singer. Are they really my dream job? No. It was just society constructs set on me - I've these ideas not because I want to be, but because I had no idea who I am, what am I. 

I dont know when I will figure out. I suppose I may never. I guess all of us will never figure it out.

Life is a journey of exploration and reflection. I am doing these to understand myself better. I hate those misery that I've been put through, but to squeeze positive things out from those episode would be that they gave me negative experiences that made me appreciate the positive ones more. They taught me that I am highly resilient and powerful. 

May peace be with me.