Double happiness but no mood/time to celebrate
December was supposed to be a dull period; workload should have lessen since the bosses are mostly overseas; but it wasn't. Due to a big project I'm handling, I've been working really late every day. I've also been waking up early and reaching office before my official start time - not because I want to, but because my brain is constantly alert and worrying about the mountain of work that needs to be done. I haven't been sleeping well.
It's Feb now. Things are not turning better. In fact, I would have more OTs and more stress as things are moving so quickly. Staying late in office is one thing, attending constant meetings, preparing for constant meetings, presenting, then working on the agenda items after meetings is other. Things are made worst because I'm the only one in my department involved in the project.
Over the past week, I got to know of 2 good news. One, I received confirmation of my promotion - would have guessed it since I'd already met the criteria, of course, I could be more appreciative...but somehow, I don't feel particularly excited. Two, I received news of my successful ballot of my BTO. Typically, I'd be the first to break the news to my partner. But being so busy and engrossed at work, I missed out the email HDB sent :(
Two good news worthy of celebration. Two good news that I should feel really happy about. But I had no time to celebrate. I had no mood to celebrate.
Somehow, work sucked the soul out of me. And it sucks.
I know very well that I prioritise my life over work. Personal matters over work. But, I can't make it happen with this project I have. I have the responsibility to continue the project because I'm the only one with the information - now, there's no joy in this because it sucks! I have to be involved in so many meetings, I just cannot take leave.
I wished I could run away. But, before I do that, I need to find a job. Yet, the jobs out there just doesn't appeal to me. It's easy for people to say - just quit la, work is work, your personal life is more important. But, even if I'd take on a new job, I wouldn't know if it'd be more stressful. Furthermore, I'd need to prove myself from scratch again. With my upcoming wedding, I'd need ample leaves. It's really a dilemma.
People would say that I'd be rewarded with performance bonuses for the amount of work I put in. But think about it, is it worthwhile? Is it worthwhile for me to receive an extra bonus of low 4 figures for the amount of time, effort and unhappiness I received? I had this conversation with some of my colleagues recently and they all said it isn't worth it for that extra bonus. We have colleagues who slack their way through, doesn't get arrowed to do anything, yet getting average gradings. Work they can't do gets passed to those who can work. Somehow, this is a vicious cycle. Slowly, I see a few colleagues who are stuck in their positions getting lazy. They no longer takes initiative. "Don't rock my boat" is their mantra. They just want to earn that monthly salary while cruising along. They don't bother taking on extra work because there's no point - their thinking is that they're stuck in the position anyway, why work hard?
I wonder if I'll end up like them in the future.
I wish I could tell my bosses "don't rock my boat", but I still have a long way to go, before I reach the salaries my colleagues receive.